I don't really know what triggered it, but it came fast and hit hard, I was paralyzed. Paralysed with the fear that comes with out warning and effects every thought process to the point that you don't know how to breath, stand, or talk anymore.
I was never a person who feared too many things. In one three month span of traveling South Africa I signed at least 5 wavier forms stating that if I got injured or lost my life then that particular company would not be held liable. I was able to go sand boarding, take surfing lessons, shark cage diving, repel down the side of a cliff next to an incredible waterfall, and I even went bungee jumping off the worlds highest bungee bridge! On top of all that, a few years ago, my husband and I decided to go skydiving. I have always thought of my self as brave, willing to try everything, not fearing much of anything.
Until that moment of complete paralysation...
My husband and I had recently felt that our family was needing a change of pace, so in a few days we were going to fly a couple provinces over to look for a new home. The thought of moving and starting over with out any family around didn't really scare me to much, which is why I didn't expect what hit that evening.
We had just climbed into bed after a regular evening of supper, dishes, putting the kids to bed, etc. when I was struck with complete panic. For some reason I became convinced that a member of my little immediate family of four was about to die. I was fear stricken and couldn't even properly explain to my husband what was going on in my head. I asked my husband to grab a bucket because I was dry heaving so much I thought I was going to be sick! How could this be, how could I deal with the next 24hrs knowing I was going to have to say good bye to someone so close to my heart. Even thinking about that evening my heart still races a bit. After, what felt like hours of not being able to speak or stand I felt a reassuring voice come from somewhere deep down in my soul. The voice said, "Fear is not of the Lord!". Slowly the voice began to grow louder, stronger, and more adamant. Finally I realised it was because I was actually starting to chant it out loud. Up until this point my husband was still completely in the dark as to what was even happening to me. As my voice got louder, I became stronger, I was able to stand up and haul myself out of the bathroom. My husband met me with open arms and a prayer. I settled down enough that I was able to crawl into bed and start breathing again. I listened to about 3 hours of encouraging sermons, that my husband had downloaded on his phone, before I was calm enough to actually fall asleep. The memory of the paralysing fear that threatened to consumed my mind, body and soul is something I don't think I will ever forget.
Since that night we have in fact moved provinces and have settled into a pretty awesome little life! We found a great house that fits our family perfectly, and an incredible church where I was able to get involved and make friends really quickly. The timing was perfect, God most definitely went ahead of us and prepared a flawless transition for our whole family! Not to say it hasn't been tough with missing our family's and my husbands learning curve of now running his own company, but all in all we know that this is truly where we were being called to go.
I have had many more anxious moments since that one overwhelming night, but I am finally starting to learn the power we have in our words when we pray in Jesus name. Fear is not of the Lord is a phrase that I often find myself muttering through out my day. It's a simple truth that came to me from somewhere deep down that night when I spiritually, mentally and emotionally had nothing left. Now that a year and a half has past, God has greatly increased my knowledge of him and his mighty power in those times of feeling completely powerless. Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind as I write this, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This is a God given truth, one we can claim out loud in the name of Jesus when we truly feel like there is no way out of the pain, fear and despair we are living in.
God has put so many amazing people in my life to help strengthen and challenge me into a deeper, more committed relationship with Him. Something I have learnt recently is that the Bible truly is the sword to fight off any and all attacks that I am currently facing! The more I pray His word into and over my life the freer I become. I am in no way claiming I am at a level of complete freedom and ultimate peace, I know there is a long road to walk and until His work is done here on earth I plan to keep walking that road. I have a lot of fears and anxious thoughts that still plague me, some on a daily bases, but as I take steps closer to God I am realizing he was never that far away to begin with.
Psalm 46:1 - God is our refuge and strength, and ever present help in trouble.
God bless
~Shauna~
If you were impacted by my story or feel you know someone who is going through what I went and am currently going through please share this post. Also, please leave me a message, I would love to hear your thoughts. If you would like to receive my future posts click the 'Follow' button.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
To blog or not to blog?
Hello blogging world!
This is a very new and very scary world to me. Blogging is something I have never done and honestly something I never thought I would ever do! My heart is pounding, and my fingers are stumbling all over the key board! Thank goodness for spell check, however I'll still probably miss some. Spelling, grammar, and punctuation have never been something I was very good at. Well actually English in general has never been a strength of mine! So those of you who are easily annoyed by that you have been warned! haha
So your probably wondering why on earth I am entering this blogging world if, from what I wrote above, I have little skill and a lot of fear. The truth is I'm not even sure myself. I would love to share about my life. What lessons I have learned so far and different challenges I have faced. I have very few challenges in my life compared to a lot of people in this world, but rather then compare, I hope simply to use my challenges to encourage all of you.
To start I would like you to know a little about me. I am married to an extremely supportive husband. A man, I feel, that was hand picked by God just for me. He is definitely not a perfect human being, just perfect for me! He loves me unconditionally and because of that he challenges me in many ways. He challenges me in my faith and calls me out when I'm in the wrong. He also steps back when there are lessons I need to learn on my own. All of which cause huge amounts of frustration at times, who really likes to be called out or challenged, and when you feel like your in over your head who doesn't want someone to come along side you and lift your burden. The truth is my husband always leaves room for God to be my ultimate strength, comfort and support. My husband will always be by my side, my God given rock in this world. Gods earthly example to me of strength, love, and loyalty. I know he was placed in my life by God, definitely not to be my God.
I am an unemployed mother of two. Wow that's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one!! haha My 24/7 job is to me a mom to my two amazing little boys. They provide me with a ton of strength and motivation as well as exhaustion and worry. I always heard that once you become a mom you will never stop worrying, worrying about everything from what they are going wear to if your effort to instill good values is sinking in, and SO much more. This has definitely proved true for me, I so badly want the best for my boys that I often forget that they aren't really mine. God has actually intrusted these incredible little boys to my husband and I to raise, that's huge! (but also incredible humbling.) As much as I want the best for them I can times that by a million and I still haven't come close to what God wants for them. I merely have to be willing to facilitate the bigger plan and watch while my sweet boys start catching it. Like the time when I was getting frustrated, scratch that, I was full out blowing up because there was cereal ALL over the kitchen floor. To make it worse they had both walked through the cereal, it was crushed into little pieces and tracked around the rest of the main floor of our house. As I began cleaning up and starting to lecture the boys on how getting the cereal out was a mommy job, my ears were starting to actually smoke with rage! My oldest son looked and me and said, "Mom, I'm going to pray that you wont get so angry." He sat down on the floor and folded his hands, the way I beg him too at the dinner table, and started praying out loud. I don't think that there is anything in the world that motivates you to be a better mom then when you hear your own child praying for you. The smoke from my ears instantly stopped, my heart was so moved that I couldn't help but sit down on the floor next to my little man and pray with him! I asked for forgiveness from him and God, together we cleaned up the mess of cereal.
This is what I hope for anyone reading this. I hope you see that I am a really women, someone trying to live for the call I have been given, wife and mom. I hope you are encouraged, inspired, challenged and want to grow with me. In future posts I want to share some of the many things God has been teaching in my life, especially the last year and a half. We are all human and the only way to get by day to day is admit that and love that! By grace we aren't expected to be more then human, but by faith we are able to be much more then human.
God Bless.
~Shauna~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pIqE-Mxx1g
This is a very new and very scary world to me. Blogging is something I have never done and honestly something I never thought I would ever do! My heart is pounding, and my fingers are stumbling all over the key board! Thank goodness for spell check, however I'll still probably miss some. Spelling, grammar, and punctuation have never been something I was very good at. Well actually English in general has never been a strength of mine! So those of you who are easily annoyed by that you have been warned! haha
So your probably wondering why on earth I am entering this blogging world if, from what I wrote above, I have little skill and a lot of fear. The truth is I'm not even sure myself. I would love to share about my life. What lessons I have learned so far and different challenges I have faced. I have very few challenges in my life compared to a lot of people in this world, but rather then compare, I hope simply to use my challenges to encourage all of you.
To start I would like you to know a little about me. I am married to an extremely supportive husband. A man, I feel, that was hand picked by God just for me. He is definitely not a perfect human being, just perfect for me! He loves me unconditionally and because of that he challenges me in many ways. He challenges me in my faith and calls me out when I'm in the wrong. He also steps back when there are lessons I need to learn on my own. All of which cause huge amounts of frustration at times, who really likes to be called out or challenged, and when you feel like your in over your head who doesn't want someone to come along side you and lift your burden. The truth is my husband always leaves room for God to be my ultimate strength, comfort and support. My husband will always be by my side, my God given rock in this world. Gods earthly example to me of strength, love, and loyalty. I know he was placed in my life by God, definitely not to be my God.
I am an unemployed mother of two. Wow that's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one!! haha My 24/7 job is to me a mom to my two amazing little boys. They provide me with a ton of strength and motivation as well as exhaustion and worry. I always heard that once you become a mom you will never stop worrying, worrying about everything from what they are going wear to if your effort to instill good values is sinking in, and SO much more. This has definitely proved true for me, I so badly want the best for my boys that I often forget that they aren't really mine. God has actually intrusted these incredible little boys to my husband and I to raise, that's huge! (but also incredible humbling.) As much as I want the best for them I can times that by a million and I still haven't come close to what God wants for them. I merely have to be willing to facilitate the bigger plan and watch while my sweet boys start catching it. Like the time when I was getting frustrated, scratch that, I was full out blowing up because there was cereal ALL over the kitchen floor. To make it worse they had both walked through the cereal, it was crushed into little pieces and tracked around the rest of the main floor of our house. As I began cleaning up and starting to lecture the boys on how getting the cereal out was a mommy job, my ears were starting to actually smoke with rage! My oldest son looked and me and said, "Mom, I'm going to pray that you wont get so angry." He sat down on the floor and folded his hands, the way I beg him too at the dinner table, and started praying out loud. I don't think that there is anything in the world that motivates you to be a better mom then when you hear your own child praying for you. The smoke from my ears instantly stopped, my heart was so moved that I couldn't help but sit down on the floor next to my little man and pray with him! I asked for forgiveness from him and God, together we cleaned up the mess of cereal.
This is what I hope for anyone reading this. I hope you see that I am a really women, someone trying to live for the call I have been given, wife and mom. I hope you are encouraged, inspired, challenged and want to grow with me. In future posts I want to share some of the many things God has been teaching in my life, especially the last year and a half. We are all human and the only way to get by day to day is admit that and love that! By grace we aren't expected to be more then human, but by faith we are able to be much more then human.
God Bless.
~Shauna~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pIqE-Mxx1g
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